


"i love you, don't you mind,"

by zacefronspants



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mentions of Forced Prostitution, This is an AU, but she's not a good character?, i really do love michelle, im just sorry for how angsty this is, im sorry if merlin is a little ooc, it's mostly mentions of dean and michelle, mentions of abuse, slight michelle bashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-28 04:55:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13264137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zacefronspants/pseuds/zacefronspants
Summary: "Eggsy is fourteen and locking himself on the roof with a bottle of his mother’s wine and shouting at the sky because he got smacked in the face with beer can when he wasn’t looking."





	"i love you, don't you mind,"

**Author's Note:**

  * For [funwars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/funwars/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Hold Your Breath](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4846472) by [Sheepie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sheepie/pseuds/Sheepie). 



> a complete rewrite of my sciles fic titled "you." and huge, huge thank you to the author zombiisheep for letting me use their idea of dean drowning eggsy to punish him, i highly recommend their fics! also please let me know if i missed a tag, i'd hate for someone to be upset by this because i missed a tag.

**“and you’re a liar; at least all of your friends are.”**

When he’s seven years old, Dean Baker breaks his heart for the first time. He knows because he sees the smarmy smirk on his red face.

He makes his mother  a valentine out of crumpled up paper and glitter because she liked glitter. It’s a few days past Valentine’s Day, but Eggsy Unwin didn’t particularly care about being on time, for anything, really.

It’s kind of sad, all messy handwriting and too much glue and glitter, but he shoves into his mother’s purse anyways and runs off to some corner to watch her receive it. He watches with mild fascination as Dean holds it up between his forefinger and thumb, a shocked look on his face.

“It’s from Muggsy, isn’t it?” Rottie asks, between fits of laughter and Dean can’t help but nod. “It’s kind of sweet,” someone says, lightly and Eggsy isn’t sure who, but it makes him smile a bit.

It’s not until Dean drops the valentine on the floor that Eggsy gets mad at him because he knows he did it on purpose and knowing it would upset him.

Eggsy goes over to Jamal’s that night and ask if Jamal’s mom will help him make MIchelle a valentine to replace the one Dean threw away and if he accidentally gets two paper cuts and a bruise on his elbow from running outside to drop to off to his house, then that’s his business and no one else’s. Eggsy never signs his name onto it because his mom wanted it to be from Dean, and it looks like almost as good as one you could buy, anyways. And if Michelle smiles dopey all day at home the next day and laughed a little louder, then that’s Eggsy’s business.

Eggsy looks at Dean a few days later and feels his chest grow cold because Dean is mean to everyone if they’re not in it to help him make money or to drink with him and it makes him weak, he thinks. And he’s going to continue to be mean to Michelle whenever she stutters out, “Hi babe,” and then laugh when she shrinks away from him with wet eyes. Dean Baker is a thorn in his side, but his mother is nice to him and she smells like rose petals and cherries sometimes, so maybe it’s okay.

Eggsy comes to the conclusion on the week before winter break, that he can never have nice things because those are for people who don’t miss two weeks worth of school and get shoved down stairs by their step-fathers. He can’t have nice things because Dean likes to drink until he can’t talk and then he’ll scream at his mom and then Eggsy is crying and Dean is telling him he won’t be anything, ever. Eggsy quickly learns that he’s the dirty laundry left out to rot and that he can’t leave because then Dean’s anger will be on his mother and he can’t let that happen.

**“...and so am i, just typically drowned in my car.”**

Eggsy has a plan, not a good one, but a plan nonetheless. He may not be popular (he’s not, he’s not even on the radar) or very smart, but he’s going to be something, someday. He’s gonna get his mom out of Dean’s grip one day, he just doesn’t where to start exactly.

His plan is simple, he’ll join the marines, move up in the ranks and come back home and show his mom he take her somewhere safer. He has it all figured out, if he could just stop being the mule for Dean and being smacked around for being lippy. Eggsy is smart and he’s attractive enough that maybe he could be a poster for some medicated creams. He doesn’t know. He has no brain to mouth filter, he just keeps talking; he told Rottie how to crucify someone last week while Poodle watched in horror and slight fascination. Eggy’s witty, too. They’re gonna get out.

Except he thinks they won’t sometimes.

Eggsy is fourteen and locking himself on the roof with a bottle of his mother’s wine and shouting at the sky because he got smacked in the face with beer can when he wasn’t looking. He yells for a lot of reasons; Dean got the his mother, Ryan and Jamal talking to him when no one is looking, the girl next door who kissed him is too pretty, he’s a loser, it goes on and on. Eggsy ignores the look of disappointment on his mother’s face when he wakes up on the roof and so hung over his fingers look like worms and his mouth tastes like sand, he just stumbles inside and takes a shower.

Eggsy is sitting in chemistry and listening to Ryan tell his lab partner he doesn’t understand her notes and that he’s going to fail when he stands up and walks out of the class, not looking over his shoulder when his teacher threatens to have him suspended. He doesn’t know why he leaves, he thinks it has to do with the prickling sensation at the back of his eyes or maybe the shaking of his hands, he’s not sure.

He’s vaguely aware, a few days after he had an anxiety attack that his mother is telling him he has social anxiety and that he has to take these pills that taste like soured milk. He hates them.

Eggsy Unwin is sure of three very important things, one being that Jackson watched him shake and cry in the boys bathroom and he’s almost sure that he started the, “Unwin puked everywhere and then pissed himself,” rumor but he doesn’t know. He’s almost sure that Jamal is the one who punched Jackson’s eye. The second thing being, he cannot have pretty things because he will ruin them. He’s reminded of such when he remembers the flowers his mom planted and he trampled on, it was an accident. The last one, Dean Baker thinks he’s a freak and he agrees with him wholeheartedly.

**“it’s my party, and I’ll cry to the end.”**

He’s not mean to Dean for the same reasons Dean’s mean to him. Dean’s mean to him because he likes talks back and likes boys. Dean is mean to him because Eggsy doesn’t listen to him when he acts like he’s nicer than what he actually is; Dean’s mean to him because he’s better than him and he fucking knows it. Eggsy’s mean to him because he can’t have him smacking his mother and it’s a stupid attempt to stop the violence, to stop the anger when his palms are shaking and he can’t see straight. He’s mean to him because he knows Dean is something he can’t have in his life. He needs to be rude or ignore him so he can squash the underlying anger that curls in his chest.

It never works.

Everyone in his life treats him like he’s stupid, except his mother. He think it’s because he once said that the answer to a history question was, “Luke’s father was Darth Vader,” and from then on people have just deemed him a playful stupid, but he’s not. And he’s so fucking glad Michelle treats him like he’s not stupid, because he associates being stupid with so many things. Things he doesn’t want to think about or even remember, he’s just glad his mother is there to pat his shoulder and tell him he’s not stupid. He’s just so glad to have her, even if he doesn’t really have her anymore. He convinces himself that as long as she doesn’t think he’s stupid, he can have a better life.

He washes that stain away. He keeps throwing the drugs Dean makes him carry in private places like alleyways or the dumpsters behind restaurants and ignoring him in public until he couldn’t and had to face Dean. He has to do these things because he can’t stop the gnawing guilt he feels when his mother looks at him with disappointment in her eyes. But as long as Dean keeps saying he’s good for nothing but being the mule, he’s fucked and done for.

The issue, he finds, is that Dean tries to kill him whenever Eggsy talks back or says, “No, I’m not sticking Rottie’s fucking cock in me mouth.” And it’s not that he fights Dean or that he voices his distaste towards his goons, just the few times a week when Dean’s sober enough to hear Eggsy mumble about his yellowing teeth is when Dean forces his head into the dirty sink water and holds him there until he can’t breathe, and the sense he’ll die sets into his bones. It’s just that whenever Dean does discipline him, Eggsy will take the punches and the kicks and he will do his best to keep his mouth shut and shake his head to hold his tongue to keep from saying something to set Dean off further, but sometimes he can’t and he’ll hit Dean back just as hard and for a minute forget how to fucking breathe.

When he starts hanging around with Henry, it’s a relief almost; he gets to kiss and fuck like he’s drowning, but it’s not a good idea, and he knows it. Finally, he thinks, he’s put enough of a rift between him and Dean that he’ll stop pushing him to go to Smith’s Street and, “Open that pretty little mouth of yours for a pretty penny.” He thinks that this’ll be what he needs to stop the demure hope that he and his mother will ever make it out and that Eggsy can become something other than Dean’s carrier. Once he sees that dating Henry isn’t as scary as he lets himself believe, as long as Dean doesn’t find out, it’ll be fine.

Pay attention to Henry, he tells himself. He can’t have what he wants, but he can at least have something. He can be the best okay student, even if his teachers make him want to set himself on fire. Don’t argue with Dean, just do what he says, ignore the look of utter shame on his mother’s face.

It works for a while, until Henry starts asking to meet his mother. And then Eggsy is forced to tell Henry things aren’t working out because he can’t let Henry know where he’s living. It’s hard to ignore him when Henry’s there every in every fucking class and looks at him like he’s shot his dog. Eggsy almost fucking drops out of school and go to Smith’s and let people fuck his throat as long as he doesn’t have to see Henry and the look of betrayal. But then he starts getting A’s on his assignments that he knows he didn’t try on and he thinks he can maybe go to college.

**“and you must try harder, than kissing all of my friends.”**

Lately, Eggsy wants to just stop going to school and go live with his aunt Derma in the middle of the forest. Give up his stupid pipe dream, give up the entire thing. But then his English professor will smile at him and it’s almost worth is because he’s sort of in love with him now. And then Roxy will grin at him and he’s almost okay.

It’s tiresome to watch his mother and Dean latching onto her hips. It’s hard to want to go through his plan when he feels like his heart is going to break. It’s hard to take his medication and go to school most days. It’s fucking hard to go to school and live life when he can’t have the thing he wants most.

And right now his hands are shaking and Roxy is in too many places all at once and he doesn’t know, he doesn’t know why she’s above him and below her own neck too. All he can hear is her whispering, “Copy my breathing, you’re having an attack again Eggsy,” and shit, yeah he is, but he can’t fucking make his lungs work and it’s getting to hot. And then Roxy’s smashing her lips to his and he’s pretending it’s Merlin. But Merlin is his professor, a fact that he remembers as Roxy pulls away from him and murmurs with a soft laugh, “That was gross.”

Eggsy just tells himself, after he’s calmed down enough, that he’ll just forget about imagining kissing Merlin. But that proves to be difficult because whenever he closes his eyes, he can feel the stubble on his cheeks when touches them.  

When Eggsy tells his mother he made the gymnastics team, she’s confused. Because, “Babe you haven’t done that since you were a wee thing.” But she grins and latches herself around him and says she’s never been prouder. And he wonders, for a minute, what Dean would say if he knew about it. But then Daisy is yelling at him and pulling his hood strings and babbling at him and he forgets about Dean for a moment.

He doesn’t see it coming when his mother shows up to lunch with three new bruises and says, “I’ve just fallen down love.”  But then Daisy is sitting in front of him, giggling and wearing a pretty pink dress and a bow to match. And Eggsy knows, deep down, that this wasn’t what he planned out, but he wanted to go to school and get a good job. But he’s just so goddamn angry at himself for leaving them there, but his mother told him to go because he comes home on the weekends and that’s enough for her.

And it’s hard to stay focused sometimes because Merlin looks at him with a far away look and it makes his stomach curl. But Eggsy drives to the posh clubs with Roxy and lets a man twice his age who looks at like Merlin fuck him against a stall door and it’s okay, he can forget about Merlin.

It’s not how this is supposed to work, his plan he means. He’s not supposed to spend Merlin’s office hours talking about why he hates Romeo and Juliet, or why he enjoys older movies more than the newer ones. He’s not supposed to be in love with his teacher, but here he is. None of this is how this is supposed to work.

**“you.”**

There’s two months, two glorious months, where Eggsy gets to just be and not have to worry about anyone shoving him down the stairs or asking him to take something somewhere that smells like rotting fruit. Eggsy gets to practice gymnastics and focus on his studies. He gets to be happy.

For two months he gets something he’s wanted. He gets to laugh and go out with Roxy and talk about his growing lust for Merlin and his stupid jumpers. Two months isn’t nearly enough to repair the hurt that’s been done, but it’s all he’s got.

He talks to Roxy sometimes, when they’re curled around each other because they’re too drunk to move and the only light is through the window. And he wonders if Roxy thinks he’s weak for crying into her shoulder and telling her about Dean, about the things he’s had to do to make it livable for his mother and Daisy.

Choosing between his mother’s happiness and his own happiness is easy; he’d rather spend everyday to make sure she’s okay than be surrounded by people who make him want to light himself on fire, sure.  But hearing her cry and beg him to come home is enough to make him tell her, “I’ll be home in a few days, mum. Don’t worry,” and it’s killing him because he’s got to leave, but he’s got to take care of his mother.

He sees the end before anyone else, and he guesses he shouldn’t have deluded himself into thinking that he could have made this work. He sees it and it doesn’t stop him from wishing for just little longer.

They’re sitting in Roxy’s car after class is over when he feels her look at him cautiously and exhale heavily, her soft hand wrapping around his own.

“Don’t leave, Eggsy. Why are you throwing this away?”

“Not really sure.” It’s not really a lie, but it not really the truth either and he knows that Roxy knows that.

Roxy leans into him and whispers, like it’s some kind of fucking secret, “You don’t have to save her all the time.”

“How could I not, Rox? Tell me,” And he knows, he fucking knows he doesn’t have too, he’s just too scared of losing her the same way he lost his dad.

“You could’ve just run away from them.” It’s there, hanging on him like a second skin. He knew that, he fucking knows it, but Dean Baker scares him a hell of a lot more than never seeing Merlin or Roxy ever could.

“You really think that could’ve worked?” Eggsy asks after a minute, eyes burning with the need to blink, but he’s scared that if he blinks he’s going to start crying because he wants to say.

“I do.” Roxy says grinning sadly like she knows a secret everyone else doesn’t. Eggsy supposes she might.

“I don’t think so.” He knows he’s lying and so does Roxy, if the way she’s pulling her away from his own is any indication.

“You’re full of shit.” Roxy says, blandly. And shit, she’s not wrong. But she’s not correct.

“Get out of my fucking car Unwin.” Roxy says angrily and unlocks the doors. Eggsy flinches and looks at her, looks the hard set of her jaw and the anger that’s settling into her eyes.

“You’re so afraid of everything,” Roxy says, “it’s why you’re throwing away your own well being again.” That’s not why, but he’ll humor her anyways.

“Like I said, it couldn’t have worked.” Eggsy almost wants to believe he sees Roxy snort and shake her head.

“I think your problem is that you live too much inside your own head that you can’t see when something will happen. It’s probably why you’re giving up.” And damn, Eggsy knows she’s right. But he wants his mother to be okay more than anything, wants to leave the estates too badly.

“I think this fantasy of me being in college was built on the pretense that I’m worth more than getting on my knees and letting some guy fuck my throat. It’s a fucking lie and a fantasy, Rox.” Eggsy laughs. “Like everything else in my life, it probably won’t end great for me.” That’s a lie.

“I just hope we can still be friends, Roxy. I like you, you’re my best mate.”

And Roxy tells him the truth, it fucking sucks. But she’s angry and he’ll take her, “When you’re done being a fucking idiot.” As a yes.

**“it takes a bit more; yeah it takes a bit more than you.”**

He’s angry at himself for not listening to Roxy when she told him he didn’t have to leave. Distracted by the notion he was allowed to be normal, happy. He pulls himself together eventually, but by then he’s got a head full of memories he can’t shake, no matter how much alcohol he drinks. Because he can’t stop thinking about the small talks he and Merlin had and the way Roxy told him to get over himself when he was being a baby. Eggsy Unwin isn’t going to be anything other than Dean’s lacky. He needs to get that through his head.

He lost his mind temporarily. He supposes he did it to make himself forget the times he got on his knees and the times Dean held him underwater for so long he drank in the slimy sink water. He halfway can’t believe he did it, because he wasn’t conventually smart, he was pretty sure, but that doesn’t mean shit when you’re in college. And then he’d come to a realization.

Eggsy was smart, not in maths or science, but he could dissect any book handed to him, he gets English. He could be good at algebra when he needed to be, but he didn’t get it a lot of the time. But the worst part was that a small part of him believes it when Dean says he’s nothing but a pretty face with a hole to fuck or when his mother silently agrees. Eggsy chose to come back and he shouldn’t have ever come back. He figured then and there that there had to be a way to leave with Daisy and forget this place ever existed. Eggsy didn’t choose his mother, he understands. He picked Daisy in some way. That was it, wasn’t it? He loved his mother, and she loves him and Daisy. But she doesn’t love them enough to try and fix it herself.

He didn’t deny it, not really, when Roxy confronted him about not needing to save his mother. He wonders how no one else seemed to hear him begging not to be the one to do. He hopes Michelle can save them because Daisy deserves a lot more than this. He hopes that if his mother is able to leave, she’ll entrust Eggsy with Daisy and go get herself cleaned up. But he doesn’t think it’ll happen He’s gonna be the one to save them. Stop wallowing in self pity.

Still, sometimes it’s not easy when he wakes up from a dream involving Merlin’s laugh and hands and soft smiles and Merlin, Merlin, Merlin. He can’t control his dreams, he tells himself. And it’s not bad to dream about Merlin, he is hot. And he likes boys as much as anyone else. He’s also sure other boys dream about him too. He’s just not supposed too. And Eggsy Unwin knows better than to let himself.

All he has to do is stick to his plan and get Roxy’s voice telling him he didn’t have to save everyone and Merlin’s low laughs out of his head.

**“you're alive, at least as far as i can tell you are.”**

He’s angry when he finds out Dean’s going to make him start having sex with th people he brings the drugs too for extra money. And it’s not that he thinks he can stop Dean from making it happen. He’s known he’ll never be able too, but it doesn’t stop him from trying. He deserves better than that. He wants him to hold onto what little dignity he has left and he’ll be damned if he lets Dean take that away from him.

His life isn’t something he can share with anyone. He’s got scars and an alcoholic stepfather who still tries to drown him for being mouthy or saying no. It still amazes him that his mother hasn’t bothered to change their life, but maybe he’s not. He’s still holding onto the hope that his mother will clean up long enough for Eggsy to tell her what a shitty job she’s doing and that Daisy is better on her own with him. She can still turn out alright.

Merlin finds him in the café across from the school, almost like a sixth sense. He clearly knows it’s where he comes to ignore his problems. Eggsy thinks it’s about him leaving school and to go back home, he hopes at least. He’s never able to see past that façade. Besides, him leaving school would work in his favor. It’d leave Merlin to come in and call him a twat and scold him. It has left him hoping for that. It breaks his heart to see him. He can see that he's heartbroken, but, of course, he thinks it's about having to leave school. He sits across from him, all mossy green eyes with too much concern, or too little. He half hates him for caring. If he’d just stop caring, well, that would fix it, would it?

“Do you think you did the right thing?” He asks, and he wants to laugh because he didn’t, he made the worst decision. But he can’t tell him that, so he settles with a halfhearted shrug.

“It’s okay to, you know, admit you took on too much. You can’t help everyone, lad. It’s not possible,” and it’s funny he would tell him that, he knows that all too well now.

“Do you know when I knew you’d fucked up?” He asks, faraway look on his face. He doesn’t want to hear about him it, but he can’t think of a good reason to stop him. “I was talking to Ms. Morton. She couldn’t stop screaming at me. I was confused. And then, the next day I opened my door and your seat was empty. It was the only then that I understood why she called you sodding idiot. I realized you’re a fucking idiot; you’re just too stubborn to admit it. I think you know it too,”

Eggsy couldn’t help himself. He laughs. He starts laughing and he can’t stop. It’s not funny. It’s so far from funny that his chest feels like it’s on fire, but if he doesn’t laugh now, he’s going to cry. He laughs because he made sure he couldn’t admit that they were both right. He’d spent years trying to make sure he couldn’t have nice things, turns out he took care of it when he was seven.

Eggsy/s face twists into anger and hurt. “Are you done, then?” he snaps. Eggsy thinks he’s laughing because he knows Merlin is right, but he’s laughing because he’ll cry and beg Merlin to take him away from everything.

“I don’t know why I try and understand you Eggsy.” Merlin is close to punching him and he hates it when he’s angry because of him, but he can’t tell him, so he just stares at him. “Sometimes you’re just such so fucking thick.”

“I know,” it’s true, even if he hadn’t meant to be, then.

“Why are you so dense?” He doesn't wait for an answer. “And then you're smart and you know when to and I don't understand it. What the fuck happened to you?”

“Nothing.” It’s a half truth. He wants to say, he wants to say that nothing happened except rip his own heart out and let Dean puree it and eat it with his chips. He wants to tell him that he did nothing except make himself hope that he could be better, different and he didn’t even mean too.

“Then why?” His jaw is tight and his eyes watch him clench and unclench his fists. He doesn’t have an answer, not one he can tell him.

He doesn't mean to do it, he never ever meant to do it, but he's good at making mistakes, so he kisses him. Merlin makes a noise, a little, surprised “oh” as their lips meet. And he's just like he imagined, and even better. And he's pulling him in, asking for more. He gives it to him, trying to tell him everything, everything, with his lips and his hands, but he knows it won't work because it's not something he wants to hear.

When they break apart, he’s a little disheveled and he looks like a piece of art this way. He’s always art, but he loves seeing him with swollen lips and knowing he’d done that. Just for an instance, he looks like a piece of art the way he made him. Eggsy doesn’t get to make beautiful things very often. His eyes are big and wider than usual and he can see the shock creeping back into them.

“Is that your solution, to kiss me?” He asks cryptically, all acidic again. He knows he’s angry because he shouldn’t have kissed Merlin, not allowed too, and Merlin just let him kiss him, encouraged it even.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” He stands up because he has to get out of here. He can’t stay an instant longer or he might do something really dumb, dumber than what he’s already done.

“You didn’t even!” He calls out after him as he makes his way to the front of the café. He lets out a bark of mirthless laughter, heavy and sad. Because he had answered the question, he just didn’t understand. He’d answered his question with his lips and with his heart screaming he loves him, always loved him, he will always love him, and he will never be his. That’s why he plays like he’s stupid.

**“and so am i.”**

To be honest, there are a lot of things drive Eggsy crazy, but one in particular is not understanding someone. And he finds that he certainly doesn’t understand Merlin. With the kiss still heavy on his lips, he sits and stares at his hands. He feels guilty, because he finally got to kiss him and then he goes and runs away with his tail between his legs. He wanted Merlin to want him to kiss him.

This is Merlin. His old teacher, friend (kind of friends he should say) and he’s older than him. Sure, those things aren’t Merlin’s fault, but Eggsy’s not supposed to like him. And after the whole kissing fiasco, he’s pretty sure Merlin’s it for him and anything else will end in heartbreak. Besides, he has to take care of Daisy. And Michelle’s starting to sober up some, so everything is nearly perfect. That’s the mantra he repeats in his head for a little while.

Everything is okay until he finds out Dean’s going to try and sell him to someone. And then nothing is okay. He just doesn’t understand how his mother could allow Dean to do this to him. How could she have fucked off and acted like it wasn’t a big deal? You shouldn’t let things like this happen.

And Daisy, Daisy is just always stuck in the middle of their fights, Eggsy almost feel guilty about it. But he’s so fucking angry all the time. So he takes Daisy home and puts her to bed, and kisses her forehead before he walks into the living room and punches Dean so hard he knows he hears cartilage cracking and feels his knuckles bruising. And maybe he shouldn’t have punched him, but he wants Dean to choke on his own blood.

Eggsy steals the keys to Poodle’s car drives to Roxy’s with Daisy in the backseat and begs her to let them stay until he can figure something out. After awhile of groveling he tells Roxy he’s got to get his things and goes to a bar drinks too much honey flavored whiskey, and it stops before he develops alcohol poisoning because Roxy comes and picks him up and makes him go to bed and he almost wants to throw a fit until she hands the bottle back, but he doesn’t. He just slips into bed and sleeps until he it’s four in the evening and Roxy looks disappointed at him.

She comes and kneels next to him, hands him two pills and says, “You’re too old to be acting like a seven year old,” and he almost says something sarcastic, but he doesn’t.

When his mother finds out he punched Dean, she laughs and says that he’s an idiot for it. He hates her for it, almost. He shrugs it off, because he supposes she’s right, he overreacted.

“ **you beat me down and then we’re back to my car,”**

When Daisy starts calling him dad, his stomach falls into his shoes. And it’s not because she’s calling him dad, it’s because he knows that he’s more of a father to her than her own. He’s sick because he’s been raising her since he was twenty-two. He’s lost himself to do it for her. And he can’t even be sorry for it.

When Roxy brings up trying to get sole custody of Daisy, he wants to say no. He can’t do that to his mother. But he’s thinks it’s a saving grace that Michelle hasn’t noticed Daisy’s gone. He wants Daisy to have everything to have everything she wants and hates his mother for being so stupid.

And then he finds out there’s a definitive possibility he might not be able to even win because he’s got no steady job and a police record from his head to the floor. How the hell is he supposed to focus on anything when his mother is saying that he not even win because it’ll be better if Daisy’s with her? But he’s trying. He’s really trying. And when Merlin offers support he almost feels guilty for loving him. Almost.  

He’s relieved when after months of agonizing over this Merlin tells him he can get him a lawyer to help expunge his record. He’s always known he was supposed to take care of everyone. This place was already washed full of people like Dean. He’s glad he’s getting to do something good, but he thinks if he has Daisy, he should go somewhere better. Not leave England or anything, just a better place. The Shetlands or Whales, maybe, he could probably make an honest living off singing or something. He’s never going to be anyone, but he could be not someone in a place better than The Estates.

When he finds out Merlin’s leaving to go back to Scotland and that he wants to see him, he believes that Merlin maybe could have loved him in a way. Because if he didn’t love him, he wouldn’t have asked him to come over (he’s being foolish he knows). He asks, after they’ve said their proper goodbyes, why he’s leaving and Merlin just presses a soft kiss to his temple and says, “It’s not filling to void anymore. It’s time to go back home.” Eggsy understands. He knows how hard it is to being doing something you love and it not fill the empty parts of you. God, does he know. But he’s happy, because he’s back on track, because somewhere along the way, him getting Daisy away from Dean became his dream.

He goes to the train station, with the Roxy ad Daisy on his hip. He goes and he waves goodbye to him and he feels happy. He’s spent more than half his life trying to save everyone and he’s finally let go of that. It’s a hard pill to swallow. And yet, he’s okay with it. And he knows, with absolute certainty that he’s going to set the world on fire.

 **“and it’s ironic, how it’s only been a year,”** **  
**

He can’t believe he’s been away from home for a year. He can’t believe he’s almost got Daisy solely to himself. He can’t believe he found love several times over and lost each one. He can’t believe a lot of things. For the first time in his life, he doesn’t know what to do. He thinks he’s made it. And he still thinks about Merlin; talking to him, but it doesn’t seem to feel nearly as sour in his mouth when he thinks about the only kiss he shared with Merlin. He had a chance, and he let it slip away. He’s come to terms with that now. The longer he’s away from him, the more it feels like he might have missed his chance. And maybe that isn’t such a terrible thing. Maybe that was something that needed to happen to give Eggsy that necessary push to take care of himself and Daisy. But he's okay now. He's himself. And he knows now that he never needed to save everyone.

  
The day of the last court date, he thinks he’s going to die. Is it possible to die from anxiety? Judging on how he feels, he’ll go with a whopping yes. It’s going to be okay, he tells himself, because Roxy’s here and telling him in a gentle voice that he can do this, he’s got this.  And so what if Michelle’s not gonna be there? She called and had given him his version of a pep talk from the rehab facility she’s in. He’ll be okay.  
  
It goes well, he tells himself. He knew it would be, even if it’s a bit of a lie. He finds Roxy and hugs her so tightly his fingers turn blue. Daisy just smiles just smiles and kisses his cheek and babbles up at him and he feels a lot lighter. He will never admit that he’s still scared something could go wrong.  
  
He excuses himself to go to the bathroom, the excuse that he had a long day is on his lips before he even realizes it He looks in the mirror and can’t bring himself to stop staring. He’s got dark circles and his lips are chapped. He looks awful.  
  
A shadow emerges behind him and he panics. He turns around harshly and freezes. Because he hadn't expected him to be here, even if there was that tiny, tiny part of him that had hoped and then felt foolish for doing so.  
  
“Merlin?”  
  
“Hey,” He shoots him a half smile, and he’s not changed. In fact, it doesn’t look like he’s changed at all and he hasn’t seen him in months, heard from him in months.  
  
“Merlin what’re you doing here?” There’s only one answer, really, but he can’t quite believe it.  
  
“What? You’d think I’d really not come see you win?” And the thing is, that's why he'd been hoping, because he's always been there. Whenever he really needed someone, he'd always been the one to show up. He loved him with all his heart, and if he's being honest, Merlin has always been there no matter what.  
  
“Why weren't you with everyone else?” He chokes out, feeling tears prick his eyes.  
  
“I didn't come to see everyone else.”  
  
Eggsy swallows, standing up. “Don't you want to see them? We're going out in a minute.”  
  
Merlin shakes his head and looks at his watch. “Not really. It's not their moment. I come here to see them, I came to see you and see how you were because I missed you, believe it or not. I don’t need Roxy to give me life advice.”  
  
“Why did you come? If it was such a pain?” He doesn't know why he's feeling resentful all of a sudden. Maybe because, if he was so important, he probably should have called sometime. At least once. Or twice.  
  
Merlin sighs, a big, full body sigh. “Because I've known this day was coming ever since you stepped into my office and told me to  go fuck myself.”  
  
Eggsy softens and steps towards him. “Thanks for coming.”  
  
“I wouldn't be anywhere else,” Merlin tells him and all of a sudden more than anything he just wants to be close to him, so he hugs him, and he's warm and perfect and he forgot how strong he was.  
  
“You look awful,” he tells him, and he knows, because Merlin is who he is, that he means that with all his heart.

**“and it’s not my fault, that i’ve fucked everybody here.”**

He drives back to The Estates immediately. He didn’t come to see everyone. He came with one singular purpose; get the rest of Daisy’s things and leave. He’d meant it when he told Roxy he didn’t want to see Ryan and Jamal. He loved them, but he didn't want to see them. He’d just wanted, needed, to get in and get out. It makes him sad he lied and said he couldn’t pop over to Jamal’s for a bit. He’d have had the time, but he didn’t want to see him or be reminded that he’s leaving them behind.

But when he gets back, all he can do is cry with relief. In the months leading up to this ruling, he’d spent so many nights puking and having panic attacks while Roxy rubbed his back and told him it would okay. And now he's back to knowing that that is, in fact, a laughably truth. So he's not thinking when he gets on the ferry and moves himself and Daisy to the Shetland and buys himself a small two bedroom apartment above a small restaurant.

Once he settled in, he calls Roxy and begs her not to tell anyone where he is. He doesn't contact anyone else at all. He just needed to be far away. Shetland is cheap. He stays and learns to love it. He gets a job. He starts to save. In the evening he leaves Daisy with his neighbor and goes to the bar and drinks. He goes every Friday. He doesn't tell drink anything but tonic water and lemon. He doesn't say anything at all. It continues until Merlin shows up.

“Eggsy?” A hand on his arm. It could only be him. He'd just slipped outside the bar. He turns slowly to face him him.

“Cold night, innit Eggsy?” he ask him, because really, fuck, what else is there to ask?

“What are you doing here? How did you find out where I live?” He's looking at Merlin with confused grey eyes. He wants to be angry.

He shrugs. “A bird told me.” He knows Roxy told him.

His face is crinkled in confusion. “Was that you, the other night, then?” So he had seen him, then. He'd thought so. He shrugs again.

“Why did she? What are you doing here?”

“Uh,” he scuffs his shoe on the ground. “She’s worried about you,” he admits.

“Why?” His voice goes down a couple of pitches when he's upset. “Why didn’t she just call me? Why’d she call you?”

Merlin looks right through him. “You don’t answer the phone and you wouldn’t have told her anyways,” he says slowly.

“I would have,” Eggsy knows Merlin’s right. “We're friends, she could have called me.” He repeats again, sounding like a broken record.

Merlin looks at him, really looks at him and says a half-hearted, “Sorry.”

“Sorry?” He can tell he sounds lost, sounds half angry too. He doesn’t understand why he’s not allowed to be an anomaly.  “Merlin, what's going on?”

And they keep looking at each other, opening their mouths to talk. He's tired of fighting the urge to kiss Merlin because he knows it's no use. He's tired of this whole Goddamn thing. So he doesn't fight it. He pulls Merlin to him and he kisses him. He kisses him with everything in him, with all the pain he's felt over the years and all the longing he's done and all the misery at knowing he can't have him. When he breaks away he's left gasping.

He shakes his head, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. “I’m so tired Merlin, so very tired. And I want you so bad, but I can’t have you because you’re too good for me. I can’t be near Roxy because she doesn’t need me messing her life up anymore.” And he turns on his heel and walks away, because rejecting himself is easier than hearing it from him.

**“it takes a bit more; yeah it takes a bit more than you,”**

He leaves with his fingers pressed to his lips in disbelief. He leaves reeling. He's known for a long time that Merlin will somehow, in whatever way, be there in his life. He tries to think back, to see if he should have seen it coming, but he can't find the signs anywhere.

In the beginning Merlin had ignored him, talked down to him a bit, told him he needed to shut the fuck up. And yes, he'd grown softer, nicer after a while. There had been those talks where they’d grown closer and made plans for them to get drinks, hadn’t they? He digs out the memory of them in his office and Eggsy screaming at him, telling him he knows fuck all about him and that he has no right to tell him he’s going to fail. He remembers the way Merlin had said, so lowly, “If you have a complaint boy, you say is slowly and whisper it in my ear. Am I understood?” He'd recognized his love for Merlin then and there and hinted it to him, and Merlin had mentioned, vaguely, he was taken by somoene. He hadn't ever admitted who it was and a part of Eggsy wished it had been him.

He remembers the other day in the cafe, when he'd kissed him and left him there. “Why are you so dense?” he'd asked. And then he'd kissed Merlin. He remembers the kiss, desperate, pushing, asking for something, trying to tell him everything. “I wanted you to have the world and I could never ever give you that,” he'd just said to him. He was trying to tell him.

He walks slowly home, trying to remember everything that's ever happened between him and Merlin. He wishes he knew the answer, but would that have changed anything? He'd said it and he'd thought it himself; Merlin wasn’t supposed to grow roots in him the way he had. He wasn’t apart of the plan. Except, now, there wasn't a plan.

He reaches his apartment and hikes up the stairs. It's dark a quiet. He locks the door and throws his keys on the table, sending a message to his neighbor letting her know he’s home. He trudges into his room and closes his door. He glances at the bookshelf. There's a picture of he and Merlin on it. He doesn't keep it because he thinks they'll be together, he keeps it to remind him what it's like to be in love. Next to it is the first paper Merlin had ever given him an A on.

He pulls out his cellphone and scrolls through his contacts until he finds him. He's half afraid his number has changed. It rings. Once. Twice.

The line clicks active, but he doesn't say anything.

“Eggsy”

“Yeah.” It's quiet, almost too quiet to hear.

“Do you know I kissed you the first time?”

There's the sound of him exhaling heavily. “Does it matter?”

“Yes.” He's silent for a minute.

“I love you, Merlin” His voice is gruff, he wishes he could stop the burning in the back of his eyes.

“You should have told me. Later, at least. That day at the cafe.”

“I did tell you, Merlin.” he says. He's talking about the kiss. “You didn't want to know.”

He can almost see Merlin close his eyes. “I'm sorry.”

He's quiet again. “I'm not.” And he hangs up the phone.

**“and i say, do you wanna dance?”**

Three days later, Merlin texts him an address and a time. He goes, because, who is he kidding, he's always going to go where he wants him. It's a bakery, which surprises him. He doesn't think of Merlin as the sweets type. Then again, he may have changed a lot in the last year or so. He wouldn't know. He hasn't been around.

He finds him inside, sipping a drink and eyeing the scone in front of him. He smiles softly when he sees him and it's a new look for him. He doesn't know if he wants to know why he's called him here. Everything is different now. He's so used to pretending around him.

He holds a hand out to him and he takes it, him leading him to the table. He hasn't been in a bakery in ages, but it smells so good and he lays his hands on the table and counts to ten so he doesn’t just stand up and leave. He forgets to breathe for a few moments. He wants to remember everything about this, because half of him is sure he's going to wake up any second.

They stay like that for a long time; staring at each other and letting the clock tick. He doesn't know what will happen when this moment ends. Eggsy Unwin never saw himself ending up here. And there's always going to be someone else, isn't there?

And after what seems like both seconds and hours at the same time, Merlin leans across the table and studies him for a minute.

“Let me take you home.” He thinks his heart stops, but this all seems too good to be true. After years of telling himself he can't have the things he wants, it simply can't be this easy.

“I'm not sure that's a good idea,” he murmurs back.

“Why not?”

“I'm not what you want.” He knows it sounds bitter the instant it comes out.

He smiles at him. “That’s not true, Eggsy.” And he lets that sink in for a moment. It does and he can feel the hope swelling in his chest. It's terrifying.

“Let me take you home,” he says again. And this time, he does.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr @togxpi and a huge thank you to nikki for fueling my merwin ideas


End file.
